On November 20, 2010 I was on a panel for music libraries at MIMIsym. Moderated by Tess Taylor, President of the National Association of Record Industry Professionals (www.narip.com), it was very informative for all those who attended. I certainly learned a lot! Subsequently Tess sent an e-mail sharing an excellent article she had written that, with her kind permission, I have posted her. I for one have always been shy so the title instantly got my attention! BTW, at the end of this article there are some more links to to the NARIP website. Please visit them!
Effective Networking & How To Overcome Shyness
by Tess Taylor
Most people want to network more effectively and overcome the shyness and fear which hold them back. This is essential to widening your circle of friends and associates, thereby increasing opportunities available to you, to say nothing of the dramatically increased fun-and-adventure factor!
One key to effective networking (and to human relations in general) is to think about the needs and interests of the other person instead of putting yours first. It’s a sign of maturity to stop thinking so much of yourself as the center of the universe (which is normal when we are young) and to see and empathize with people around us. Of course, we all want things: stability, a good job, recognition by our peers, a bit of cash, a home, family, good health, opportunity. This, too, is normal. Notice however that when you demonstrate a sincere interest in other people, this in itself acts as a bond. We are naturally interested in people who are interested in us!
Along these lines, you’ll find a concept in negotiation called “getting on the same side of the table” which is also useful in basic human relations to create meaningful bonds. It means looking at the problem or situation from the “same side of the table” as if you were the other person, to understand his position and point of view, even if you may not agree with it. This simple technique – the mere acknowledgment that you UNDERSTAND (again, even if you don’t agree) makes a world of difference.
Also, it helps to take an attitude of abundance rather than scarcity because there is enough for all of us here. When you understand and believe this, it will relieve you of much anxiety (besides, it’s true). If one person gets an opportunity, that doesn’t necessarily mean that there is now one less opportunity for you.
A few other things help, for example:
– Smile. Did you know that for many people, when their faces are at rest (expressionless) they may look like they are frowning or even unhappy? Avoid this, keep a warm smile on your face, flash it often and liberally. Smiling broadcasts that you are friendly, welcoming and approachable. And more people will approach you. That naturally translates into more opportunity, more friends, more fun!
– Develop charisma and an awesome handshake. One of my favorite books, Secrets of Power Persuasion by Roger Dawson, devotes an entire (and very excellent) chapter on the subject of charisma and how to develop it. Contrary to what many believe, it IS possible to develop charisma even if you feel that you have none. Charisma is the practice of including everyone, making every person you meet feel like the most important person in your life at the moment (which they should be!). A strong, firm handshake helps, as does making eye contact, smiling and remembering names.
– Remember names… and use them! Our own name is one of the most beautiful sounds to our ears, so it is wise to note other people’s names and use them often. The key to remembering names is to WANT to remember them, and when you begin to experience the drastic change in attitude toward you and genuine appreciation when you DO remember names, you will be even more motivated to do so. It’s not difficult, Roger Dawson in his Secrets of Power Persuasion gives some mental exercises to help with this. What helps me most is to make sure I’ve heard the person’s name clearly, then make him spell it if I don’t understand it, and then I repeat it a few times. And if I meet a guy named Robert, I’ll think of another Robert I know and make a visual link, then I will use Robert’s name several times before moving on and… if I forget it, I will not be shy to ask him for it again immediately. Once someone has made an impression on me and I follow these simple steps, I remember many more names than before. It has made a big difference for me. In fact, people are frequently shocked at my ability to remember names. Even so, I could still improve and I work hard at this. It has such a positive effect on human relations that it’s worth making an effort.
– Understand that most other people are as shy and fearful as you may be… therefore, as far as I can tell, we are all equal in this way. I was stupendously shy growing up, a bit of a wallflower in grade school up until high school when I got to live in Vienna for a year. What helped me to overcome my shyness was the glaring realization that I would always be a passenger in life if I didn’t stand up for myself. It also occurred to me that most other people were painfully shy, too, and if that was the case, we were all the same… and if they were all so painfully shy as I was then, what did I have to worry about? This was mind over matter, and it worked! Think through your fears and ask yourself why you are so afraid, pursue these mostly irrational fears to the end and then squash them like bugs! And try this simple mental exercise: project yourself forward into the future a few years and try to look back at the current situation in front of you now that makes you afraid, and ask yourself this: “If I don’t do this NOW, will I regret it later? How will I feel in a few years if I don’t do this?”
This simple exercise is usually enough to convince me to do what I want to do, even if I am afraid.
Keep in mind that fear or discomfort are normal, and are excellent indicators that you are entering a growth period. You are afraid and uncomfortable precisely because you don’t know what lies ahead, that’s new territory for you. And to grow as a human, entrepreneur or artist, you need to press on into new territory. Staying in the same place (without good reason) is death as far as I’m concerned. Don’t get stuck! Your Success Zone is equal to your Comfort Zone, and the more you can press beyond the boundaries of your Comfort Zone, the better.
You have every right to be in and of this world, take abuse from no one and if you get ignored or insulted, move on. You do not need validation from anyone to have a spot on this planet, and another person’s validation shouldn’t make or break you, or your will to succeed. You are worthy in and of yourself. Validation is nice to have when you can get it, but your self-worth should not be dependent on someone else’s acceptance (or rejection).
– You are no better or no worse than anyone else. So don’t be arrogant, and don’t take abuse and bad behavior from anyone (and don’t distribute it!).
– One of the most important things you can do for yourself in life is to surround yourself with winners… and to fire your loser, flaky, tire-kicking, whiner friends, the addicts, depressives, downers and duds. Life is challenging enough without inviting (or allowing) dead weight on your train. Push them off! And once you’ve cleared the decks, look around, identify and bring into your orbit and (if possible) inner circle the winners. These are people with a positive upbeat attitude who will encourage and motivate you, who can relate to you and your dreams, and who will provide positive reinforcement and (when needed) constructive criticism. It is highly useful to gravitate toward people who are BETTER than you in every way so you can learn from them and assimilate upward. This has been an important strategy for me in my personal and professional life. I look for successful people and study them. Being around good, positive, successful, happy people is a brilliant move in the right direction. Modeling success is an excellent strategy.
– Think about what you can do for the other guy, something personal, meaningful, useful. Seek to be useful in all things. See opening paragraph of this section above. This is the essence of Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends & Influence People. This book had a huge positive effect on me and it’s easy to see what it’s been on bestseller lists for literally decades. Get yourself a copy today.
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A Few More Thoughts
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I hope you will find these tidbits useful to polish your game a bit, approach people, make a good impression and get the most out of your excellent lives and careers. We are so fortunate to have the option to pursue professionally whatever our hearts desire. We have a great chance to succeed at whatever we choose to do if we plan carefully, work hard, focus and persist. In so many parts of the world, merely having running water and flush-toilets is a luxury, and there you are, pursuing your dreams and the career of your choice with NOTHING stopping you. It’s a great gift, and something to be thankful for. Just imagine if you lived in Afghanistan today, do you think you’d have the remotest chance of pursuing a career in the music business, especially as a FEMALE? I doubt it. Having work you enjoy shouldn’t be such a luxury (especially if one is to believe the alarming statistic that over 80% of Americans hate their jobs) but it is.
Not only that, but in many parts of the world, people would fight you to the death for the scraps of food you toss or the opportunities you squander. In my view, your responsibility is to make the most of the gifts you’ve been given, live your life to the max, to be happy and grateful for what you have. As you grow in confidence and success, look around for other people to help. In fact, doing this along the way will actually CAUSE you to BECOME more confident and successful. And you’ll never have to look far for folks who need a hand or a kind word. It becomes a virtuous circle, powerful and ongoing, and more opportunity will be delivered to you than you can imagine, much less handle. Think inclusively, not exclusively, because there is more than enough for all of us here. Someone said that you can have anything you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want. It’s true.
One More Key To Fulfillment & Success
Another key to fulfillment in life and to career advancement is an ongoing commitment to education and self-improvement so you can become the best possible version of yourself. Absorb as much as you can by studying the masters in art and business, surround yourself with supportive and positive people, attend events, make new friends and gain access to increase the reservoir of knowledge and creativity upon which you can draw.
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Upcoming events at NARIP:
http://www.narip.com/?page_id=5
Small List of Things You Can Do Today
Not offended Nameless. just kind of huh???…what???
No advice is beneficial for you, because you are too self-focused to listen.
Maybe there’s a cultural gap. Maybe there’s an age gap.
Maybe you’re just yanking our chain.
If I said the sky is blue, I’m sure that you’d say it’s orange — because disagreeing is your schtick.
You have not offered any advice about a particular library. You have not offered advice about writing, or equipment. You have merely told us what you disagree with(everything )and your philosophy (it’s a mean cruel world).
If you have information to offer about a library, please do. If you only have opinions — you’re right I’m indifferent to self-absorbed musings.
I agree with Anonymous. Nameless, you spend a lot of time pushing your agenda of self-absorbed musings. We really don’t need to hear any more of it. I already have you on moderation status and the next step is outright banning from this site. So please, contribute something worthwhile!
I think the bottom here is this :
You need a ridiculously thick skin for this game.
And whatever way you dress it up, it’s a business. A very, very big business, that turns over a *lot* of money.
Like a few other people here, this is something I do, full time, for a living. And frankly I totally enjoy it. Who wouldn’t love getting paid for writing and recording music ?
Occasionally the business side drives me nuts, but that goes with the territory.
Networking can be a valuable tool. It can be used to accelerate change and progress. It makes sense for people to connect with other people. Working with like-minded people in a focused manner towards a common goal can bring out the best in humanity. Unfortunately, the world does not work like this.
The advice given in the article is dangerous! It is a distortion of reality. I find it very discomforting for people to be told how to operate and function. The advice given basically tells a person to kiss up to other people and stop hanging around losers. This means that being one’s true self is not enough. Being independent is not valuable. How can a person really be happy when they are basically told to become a robot and adapt to the rest of the world? Will happiness be attained from becoming another cog in the machine?
Of course there are a few sentences speaking on how we should “…take abuse from no one…” and “…your self-worth should not be dependent on someone else’s acceptance (or rejection)…”. But statements like this are just sprinkles to make us feel good. They really provide no answers or solutions. Most people do not ask to be abused. Most people do not choose to be rejected.
I think that people really need to tell the truth about how the world really operates. It is a cold and dark place. People really do not have time to care for one another. They are too busy just trying to survive. There are small circles of people in the world that network and cooperate for the common good. But these networks are exceedingly rare to become a part of. People do not trust others, even if they have good intentions. People usually respond to either reward or punishment. The world of music is no different.
Best of luck!!!
@Nameless: Actually I would take your words as more dangerous. I have been on this planet a very long time (70 years this year), made my living in music for a good deal of that time and do not find the world, or the music business, as dark as you proclaim. Then again I choose to look at the glass as “half-full”, obviously you do not!
Thank you for your insight. I can see that your current success has made you a stronger and happier person. I admit that I have not been around as long as you. But I do understand how dark the world can be. My personal life is pretty bright. But dealing with other people in regards to business and money can be downright disheartening.
The problem is that there is a great deal of indifference when it comes to doing business. I know that feelings should not get in the way of doing business. I understand that there should be some level of detachment. But I still do not believe that positive thought and a bright attitude are enough to succeed. I would like to believe that the advice that Tess offers would work every time. But having a bright smile and a firm handshake is not enough.
Many of us who have been rejected and put down understand where I come from. Many great people around me are suffering from the effects of the economic storm. These are people that have worked hard, earned an education, and have served their country. But for reasons beyond their control, they are told that they are not good enough or desire too much. It is deceitful to tell people to do the right thing when bad things will happen to them.
Dealing with people in the music business does not bother me as much as it used to. I have grown a thick skin and I expect others to do what is economically beneficial to them. I see that being friendly and intelligent is often used against someone instead of being used for more noble purposes.
I am not really a pessimist. I just believe that there is more indifference in the world than there is good fortune. Hard work, talent, determination, and intellect are just prerequisites in this game. I believe that my success to date is a result of not believing in the system, but is due to seeing the system for what it is and recalibrating myself to succeed.
Best of luck!!!
@Nameless: “I am not really a pessimist.” That’s not the way I’m reading it.
Go and get the book “As A Man Thinketh” by James Allen. It’s an old book based on a quotation from the Bible, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (FYI I am NOT a Bible thumper). You can look at your life and the music business many ways. Again though, I am the eternal (or infernal):-) optimist!
70 — Art man –God bless — more power to you dude!!!!
@Nameless you want honesty? You are way over analyzing EVERY freaking thing.
Perhaps you are very young –20’s — maybe teens, but you have an very unrealistic understanding of this business. If that is the case, understanding will come with experience.
Thanks Anonymous.
@ Nameless
You have taken Ms. Taylor’s valuable advice and made about YOU.
Please work out what ever it is that you have to work out, and stop clogging this forum with your feelings of rejection and your bitterness toward an industry that you clearly feel has abused you.
Of course, now you’ll just say “see, there’s another mean person rejecting me in this cold cruel world.” If you think that “adapting to the rest of the world” means becoming a “robot” there’s nothing that anyone on this forum can offer you in the way of advice.
Writing library music IS writing music for THE REST OF THE WORLD. It IS adapting to the taste and style of THE REST OF THE WORLD, and most certainly of the moment. It is not writing YOUR “SONGS” (with some exceptions)and hoping that somebody likes them. What you would call a robot is what I would call a professional.
You go off on tangents like “Will happiness be attained from becoming another cog in the machine? WHAT???? What does that have to do with being a professional composer selling / licensing music through libraries?????
I’m going to guess that your music is a very deeply felt form of self expression, because all of your posts are essentially about YOU.
Well — you may be in the wrong place. When one of use writes a quirky cue that might work in a dog food commercial, or a cuddly cue that might work in a diaper commercial, or an Epic cue for a video game its our business — not necessarily our art. There’s a level of craft and there’s an art to what we do, but it may not be our heart and soul. To paraphrase a quote attributed to Edison: writing library music is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
Granted, there is some overlap on this forum of songwriter/artists, who work in a given genre, seeking to license tracks, and professional composers who write cues in multiple genres. Some wear both hats.
I’m sorry that you feel such rejection. Adapting to the world, however, does not mean becoming a robot. One’s ability to adapt to the world is often the greatest measure of one’s ability to succeed. Just ask Darwin.
Now, if you have anything to say that will actually assist the rest of us with respect to writing and licensing music feel free to contribute. On the other hand, if you want /need and feel compelled to make it all about YOU, please don’t criticize those who are offering something positive for the rest of us — to whom you do not want to adapt.
I did not intend to offend anyone here. I was simply expressing my own thoughts and concerns about the article. I do not feel that it is necessary to agree with what Tess said. She offered the best advice that she could give. I simply do not agree that the advice given is beneficial for me.
Having an alternative point of view does not make me correct or incorrect. I am not here to win any arguments. Most people here are probably more successful than I can imagine. But I still believe that the music business is difficult and fickle. With that said, I am undeterred from making progress. I am up for the challenge and I am unafraid of failure.
Best of luck!!!